Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Just a phase?

When I was a little girl I used to love journaling. I had some great entries about boys, what I wanted to be in when I grew up, family stuff, etc...As I got older, the desire to journal out my thoughts because even more intense. I found that it was a way for me to get my deepest thoughts out on paper--although scary and incredibly vulnerable--I found that it was a lifeline for me.

In blogging, I'm not very consistent anymore. Working full-time and being a mom to two little tykes will do that to you, but I do this for them....for that when they ask about this or that, I will hopefully have a great read for them on it.

I really don't like to share anything that would embarrass them later, so I try to steer from those things, but in the earlier confession, sometimes I feel like journaling is part of my journey and well, here it goes...

When Kinley was born, I could tell from the very beginning that she was different from Emily. She joined our family three weeks early, she was kicked out of the hospital nursery in our first night because she wouldn't stop screaming and the screaming continued for several weeks with colic. She wasn't a great napper and we found it difficult to make her happy. As she grew up and the colic began to fade, we found that there was actually a fun-loving girl in there. She loved to laugh and smile. She's our social bug. She'll wave hello and goodbye to people she doesn't even know. She typically adjusts to new environments easily.

Emily's temperament is pretty much completely different than what I just wrote about Kinley. For the most part they get along, but there is definitely sibling rivalry present each and every day and I'm constantly pulling them away from one another. Sending them to time outs more than I want to, but know I need to in order to stay consistent with them.

Kinley's verbal communication is increasing every day and it is fascinating to hear her talk, but for the times she doesn't have the words--OH MY GOODNESS--I don't even know how to describe how terrible her screams and body thrashing onto the floor are. Her screams typically encourage Emily to disobey because she can't possibly have the attention off of her. I'm having such a hard time with them right now. I'm exhausted. Work is more than consuming me throughout the day and I have visions of coming home to a peaceful afternoon spending time snuggling my girls, but that is far from our routine right now. They fight, they scream and they each call out for mommy to prove their innocence in whatever the latest disagreement was over. People keep telling me this is just a phase, but I work at a high school and I'm starting to wonder if these phases actually ever end. I'm embarrassed in front of friends frequently because in doing anything with anyone, MY KIDS are the ones to fall apart EVERY time. I swear I'm doing everything I can that I think is right, but why do I feel like I am such a failure?

The frustrating part is they are perfect angels when we aren't around. I get nothing but praise reports from daycare, grandparents, sitters etc...I guess Brian and I are the lucky ones.

In my prior journaling experience, I loved when I would re-read older entries and found that I was no longer struggling with xyz, so here's to looking back at this entry one day and smiling that we have moved past it.