Sunday, May 6, 2012

Journaling---blog style.

When I was about six or seven (i think) I was swimming in the ocean in Florida.  A wave crashed over me and I got lost in the middle of it.  All I could hear was the sound of the waves rushing over me.  I couldn't catch a breath, I couldn't even scream.  I flailed my arms and legs trying to find the ground and panic ensued.  I was more than scared. I was petrified.  I thought I was going to die.  Thankfully, a man came to my rescue and pulled me out.  He calmly pulled me out of the water asked me if I was okay and walked away.  To this day I can vividly recall the fear that took over my body.  As I sit here typing it out my heart is beating faster and my body temperature has gone up a few notches.  I feel a lump in my throat and my eyes want to well up with tears. 

When I graduated high school, my family and I went to Hawaii.  I remember lying on the beach looking out at the ocean and thinking it can't be that scary.  I was sure I could go back into the water.  So, I did.  I swam out as far as I could.  I was captivated by the beauty of the clear waters.  I could see everything underneath me, but somehow my foot lightly touched some coral and it sent me into a panic attack.  My dad who was swimming near me came close.  Honestly, I don't really remember what happened in those few moments except for sheer anxiety.  I grabbed tightly to his shoulders and screamed in fear.  I remember a lady asking my dad if everything was okay and he just calmly said, "she's gonna be fine, I have her."

I have had dreams recently about the ocean.  I have heard that water in dreams represent change.  I don't know if it is true, but what I do know is that I believe my family is about to embark on change.  I am not exactly sure of the journey, but I know that we are gonna be stretched over the next few months.  Any of you who know me well know that my brain doesn't turn off too easily.  I'm always thinking and I almost always have some sort of song playing in my head.  I have no idea why my thoughts often play in songs, but they do.  Over the weekend there have been four sentences from four different songs that keep playing in my head at different times. 
     "I will remain when everything changes"
      "Your love is deeper than my view of grace, higher than this worldly place, longer than this road    I     traveled, wider than the gap you filled."
     "Many waters cannot quench your love, rivers cannot overwhelm it.  Oceans of fear cannot conceal your love for me"
     "My faith is like shifting sand, turned by every wave, my faith is like shifting sand so I'll stand on grace."

I find it interesting that the songs flooding my mind are centered around change, grace and water. Although I still have a pretty healthy fear of getting into the ocean, I find myself at peace when I stare off into the ocean.  There's something soothing to my soul about watching the waves crash onto the shore and making the sand look "new" with every receding wave from the shore.  The past two days I have had the opportunity to sit at the beach.  To watch the ocean.  To remember the fear.  To remember the feeling of my dad telling me he had me.

I'm scared.  I hate the unknown. 

When I saw the picture of Kinley (at top) that I took on Saturday, I couldn't help but associate it with how I'm feeling.  She was so cute about the ocean.  She ran right out to it, but once she realized it came up to her she ran back toward me.  She then slowly moved forward and put one foot in, then the second.  She turned around and looked at me (wishing now that I was camera ready) because she had the biggest "I DID IT" look on her face.  Smiling ear to ear she ran to me and said, "ocean mommy, ocean!" 

I'm hopeful that at the end of this journey, I too will look back with a smile on my face and realize that I DID IT too!