Journaling---blog style.

When I was about six or seven (i think) I was swimming in the ocean in Florida.  A wave crashed over me and I got lost in the middle of it.  All I could hear was the sound of the waves rushing over me.  I couldn't catch a breath, I couldn't even scream.  I flailed my arms and legs trying to find the ground and panic ensued.  I was more than scared. I was petrified.  I thought I was going to die.  Thankfully, a man came to my rescue and pulled me out.  He calmly pulled me out of the water asked me if I was okay and walked away.  To this day I can vividly recall the fear that took over my body.  As I sit here typing it out my heart is beating faster and my body temperature has gone up a few notches.  I feel a lump in my throat and my eyes want to well up with tears. 

When I graduated high school, my family and I went to Hawaii.  I remember lying on the beach looking out at the ocean and thinking it can't be that scary.  I was sure I could go back into the water.  So, I did.  I swam out as far as I could.  I was captivated by the beauty of the clear waters.  I could see everything underneath me, but somehow my foot lightly touched some coral and it sent me into a panic attack.  My dad who was swimming near me came close.  Honestly, I don't really remember what happened in those few moments except for sheer anxiety.  I grabbed tightly to his shoulders and screamed in fear.  I remember a lady asking my dad if everything was okay and he just calmly said, "she's gonna be fine, I have her."

I have had dreams recently about the ocean.  I have heard that water in dreams represent change.  I don't know if it is true, but what I do know is that I believe my family is about to embark on change.  I am not exactly sure of the journey, but I know that we are gonna be stretched over the next few months.  Any of you who know me well know that my brain doesn't turn off too easily.  I'm always thinking and I almost always have some sort of song playing in my head.  I have no idea why my thoughts often play in songs, but they do.  Over the weekend there have been four sentences from four different songs that keep playing in my head at different times. 
     "I will remain when everything changes"
      "Your love is deeper than my view of grace, higher than this worldly place, longer than this road    I     traveled, wider than the gap you filled."
     "Many waters cannot quench your love, rivers cannot overwhelm it.  Oceans of fear cannot conceal your love for me"
     "My faith is like shifting sand, turned by every wave, my faith is like shifting sand so I'll stand on grace."

I find it interesting that the songs flooding my mind are centered around change, grace and water. Although I still have a pretty healthy fear of getting into the ocean, I find myself at peace when I stare off into the ocean.  There's something soothing to my soul about watching the waves crash onto the shore and making the sand look "new" with every receding wave from the shore.  The past two days I have had the opportunity to sit at the beach.  To watch the ocean.  To remember the fear.  To remember the feeling of my dad telling me he had me.

I'm scared.  I hate the unknown. 

When I saw the picture of Kinley (at top) that I took on Saturday, I couldn't help but associate it with how I'm feeling.  She was so cute about the ocean.  She ran right out to it, but once she realized it came up to her she ran back toward me.  She then slowly moved forward and put one foot in, then the second.  She turned around and looked at me (wishing now that I was camera ready) because she had the biggest "I DID IT" look on her face.  Smiling ear to ear she ran to me and said, "ocean mommy, ocean!" 

I'm hopeful that at the end of this journey, I too will look back with a smile on my face and realize that I DID IT too! 



  

Whooping and Hollering, the potty edition

Kinley continues to amaze me as she grows up. So many things are changing. Her vocabulary and sentence structure is really fun. Her attention to detail like knowing what things belong to certain people, where something was when she last saw it etc...amazes me. The latest and greatest is potty training.

We've talked about the potty a lot. We've had the "little girl potty" in the kids' bathroom for months. One day when I picked her up from daycare she told me she wanted to go potty....and...she did! Since then she has pretty much gone potty except for naps and nighttime and I couldn't be more thrilled. She's doing so great! My baby is growing up. Although I don't want her to grow up too quickly, I look forward to the idea of no diapers or pull ups! Whoo hoo!

KInley's 2nd birthday---extravaganza

My sweet, funny, curious, baby turned two on Friday. Anyone who knows me knows I LOVE birthdays. I may have terrified Kinley a bit when she woke up on Friday with my birthday cheers, but by the end of the weekend, she loved telling anyone who would listen that it was her birthday.

Friday night we started out with family at Chuck E. Cheese. Grandma and Papa, Uncle Cory and Auntie Holly, Auntie Kristi and cousins Haley and Lexi joined us in the fun. Before I knew it we had spent almost THREE hours there! We had so much fun. So many giggles, smiles, and just altogether good fun.

Although it looks like she is giving her baby CPR, she was just giving lots of kisses to her new baby over and over. She loves the handmade blanket my mom made her babies too.

On Saturday morning we met up at the park with our friends Mark, Jaime, Elliot, Addilyn, Laura, Tommy and Sara. The kids played and we all baked in the sun! Kinley rode her first tire swing and seemed to really enjoy it. She spent a lot of time in the sand too.

After naps we headed to dinner and Dairy queen for a little birthday treat.

Sunday we headed to church and then straight to Disneyland for some fun with Joe, Alisha, Oliver and Henry. Henry and Kinley are just two days apart in their birth and it was such a fun day celebrating both of their lives. Alisha and I have such a kindred connection for sharing pregnancy, child rearing etc...together with each child.

Trying to pull out the sword...

Emily and Oliver have had such a special connection since birth. I don't know what it is about those two, but it's pretty fun to watch her with him when I know just how shy she is. Oliver cares so much about her too and it just warms my heart. (Yeah, I know that they are only four.....)

I just love this picture of Henry and Kinley. There is cake sitting in front of them, but they look like they are just getting carried away in conversation. It's precious.

My little tired bug. I asked her if she wanted to ride a ride or if she wanted to lay down. She told me lay down and she was asleep in less than two minutes. Poor girl. We just had too much fun all weekend.

Happy Birthday baby girl. Mama loves you so much!

Thanksgiving Cruise

It is two days away from Christmas....figured I should get something up about Thanksgiving! My parents generously took our family on a Disney cruise for Thanksgiving and it was truly magical. I have never experienced so much emotion watching my kids experience something so special. Now granted, my kids hide their happiness (I have no idea why, truly drives me bonkers), but I know the certain looks in their eyes when they are captivated. Emily can have the grumpiest look on her face, but if I see the look in her eye and the way she holds her mouth, I can tell when it's fake, so I spent a lot of time saying, "Don't you dare smile, don't you dare have any fun" and she would bust up laughing. It was a great family vacation, one that I really hope I get to do again. It was amazing.

These pictures loaded out of order and I just don't have the time to fix it---so here it goes...

My mom and dad joined me and Brian for a kid-free dinner. I have no idea if the food was as good as I think it was or if it was just that I didn't have to give my attention to the kids. The two hour dinners proved to be quite difficult for my little ones. Anyway, this dinner was scrumptious!

Thanksgiving night. We came "home" and had a turkey on our bed. Tinkerbell held tightly to her Mickey with the turkey close by.

Just got to Cabo San Lucas and Kinley loved being on the top deck looking out at the "land"

Oh man, looking at this picture makes me tear up. My mom is such an in the moment kind of lady. This picture was taken right after a very "magical" dinner at Animators Palate. The restaurant is all black and white and by the end of the dinner everything is in color. They surprised the guests with Mickey coming out and it just hit my mom. Everything she had been planning for---to provide a family vacation full of surprise----well, surprised her. She was truly captivated and teared up. This picture is so precious to me.

My little princesses....

Character Breakfast.

My Mickey/Minnie wearing girls.

Hilarious face on Kinley....They put all of these napkin hats on the girls during the character breakfast.

AARGH----Emily as a pirate

Kinley modeling for Disney Wonder. Puerta Vallarta behind her

The kids had VERY LATE curfews each night. I'm pretty sure this was 11:30 pm and we had just received our room service. Emily was always hungry when getting out of kids club. Thankfully she just wanted crackers and cheese.

Jerry and Sally (my in-laws) took us on an incredible Christmas cruise when Emily was one year old. The boat in the background is the Carnival Spirit. We ran (not literally) into it a couple of times while cruising and Emily knew that was the ship she was on "as a baby" so I had to get a picture of her with it.

First day----Emily and Kinley couldn't get enough of the porthole. Every time we were in the room, this is pretty much what they looked like. They just loved looking out.

THANK YOU MOM AND DAD!!!!

Emily is FOUR!

"They grow up so fast" is a phrase I have heard consistently since I was pregnant with Emily. Strangers would stop me and talk to me about how far along I was etc...and would almost always end with, "they grow up so fast." I mean, sure, I was aware of that, I went through the growing up process, right? So then why am I always shocked with each birthday just how fast it really is going?

This is the first birthday that Emily totally got the birthday bug. Her preschool makes birthdays so special so I think as she watched her friends enjoy their birthdays, she looked forward to her own. Birthdays are a BIG deal around here too...We had a countdown to her special day. When she woke up and came out to meet me in the kitchen I said, "Hello birthday girl" and she responded with, "I KNEW IT WAS MY BIRTHDAY!!!!" She was so excited.

I'm a sap, but I had no idea how special her birthday production at school was going to be for me. When I showed up, she would not let me go....she is not a touchy feely girl, so her snuggles were overwhelming (in a good way) to me.

She had a great day. Lots of fun at school and a yummy dinner.....of which I totally forgot to take any pictures of! Oops! Guess we were just having too much fun to stop and capture the moments. So, Emily, just know you had a TON of mac n cheese and an ice cream cone!

Not the best picture of us, but had to capture the lovebug...

Getting her very special birthday crown

Birthday girl got to hold the American flag for the Pledge of Allegiance

Sitting with her class for song time

They have this board out in the main walkway so anyone walking in got to see her name on the board.

Opening gifts! Thank you Auntie Tabatha, Uncle Tyler and cousin Zachary!

Thank you Auntie Alyse and Uncle Robert....and our sweet peas in a pod! (Pay no attention to the picker)

My little School Girl

Emily has been in school for one month. I cannot get over all of the change I have seen come over her in this past month. She's always been my cautious girl, but I'm starting to see her become a little more curious, more adventurous when we are out and about. She's always been bashful in meeting people---or in saying goodbye to people that she knows well, but each day, I'm seeing small changes in those areas too. It's funny because she's been in daycare since she was ten weeks old, but it's the school environment that has her breaking out of her shell.

She comes home singing new songs every day. She has a cubby full of artwork and worksheets each day. I had a reality check when I realized she's at school now and I'm not going to get a full report of how she was during the day. Emily tells us funny little stories each day and it has become a puzzle for us to try and piece her stories together to figure out what she did during the day.

She has been writing the letter "E" for several months now. She can identify her name written out anywhere, but I have never seen her write out her name. In one month of school this is what her name looks like....

She comes home every day and spends about twenty minutes at the table working on whatever number or letter she did for the day. She wants to show me over and over again her "I, i, O, o, A, a, 2, 3, 4" etc... She's just too cute! I love that her little brain is getting some good stimulation. She's absolutely thriving.

I'm so proud of my little girl.

Just a phase?

When I was a little girl I used to love journaling. I had some great entries about boys, what I wanted to be in when I grew up, family stuff, etc...As I got older, the desire to journal out my thoughts because even more intense. I found that it was a way for me to get my deepest thoughts out on paper--although scary and incredibly vulnerable--I found that it was a lifeline for me.

In blogging, I'm not very consistent anymore. Working full-time and being a mom to two little tykes will do that to you, but I do this for them....for me....so that when they ask about this or that, I will hopefully have a great read for them on it.

I really don't like to share anything that would embarrass them later, so I try to steer from those things, but in the earlier confession, sometimes I feel like journaling is part of my journey and well, here it goes...

When Kinley was born, I could tell from the very beginning that she was different from Emily. She joined our family three weeks early, she was kicked out of the hospital nursery in our first night because she wouldn't stop screaming and the screaming continued for several weeks with colic. She wasn't a great napper and we found it difficult to make her happy. As she grew up and the colic began to fade, we found that there was actually a fun-loving girl in there. She loved to laugh and smile. She's our social bug. She'll wave hello and goodbye to people she doesn't even know. She typically adjusts to new environments easily.

Emily's temperament is pretty much completely different than what I just wrote about Kinley. For the most part they get along, but there is definitely sibling rivalry present each and every day and I'm constantly pulling them away from one another. Sending them to time outs more than I want to, but know I need to in order to stay consistent with them.

Kinley's verbal communication is increasing every day and it is fascinating to hear her talk, but for the times she doesn't have the words--OH MY GOODNESS--I don't even know how to describe how terrible her screams and body thrashing onto the floor are. Her screams typically encourage Emily to disobey because she can't possibly have the attention off of her. I'm having such a hard time with them right now. I'm exhausted. Work is more than consuming me throughout the day and I have visions of coming home to a peaceful afternoon spending time snuggling my girls, but that is far from our routine right now. They fight, they scream and they each call out for mommy to prove their innocence in whatever the latest disagreement was over. People keep telling me this is just a phase, but I work at a high school and I'm starting to wonder if these phases actually ever end. I'm embarrassed in front of friends frequently because in doing anything with anyone, MY KIDS are the ones to fall apart EVERY time. I swear I'm doing everything I can that I think is right, but why do I feel like I am such a failure?

The frustrating part is they are perfect angels when we aren't around. I get nothing but praise reports from daycare, grandparents, sitters etc...I guess Brian and I are the lucky ones.

In my prior journaling experience, I loved when I would re-read older entries and found that I was no longer struggling with xyz, so here's to looking back at this entry one day and smiling that we have moved past it.